What I Want in 2019

Change.

I want change. I need change. I am going to get it one way or another.

2017-2018 were hard years for me professionally. I was working with an association that had recently changed leadership. With the new CEO came culture changes that were hard to handle and deeply saddening. Harassment, racism, ageism, and a strong distrust of the staff are just the highlights of an organization that needed a fresh start, but instead was given nothing but rot. Content providers were terminated, or forced into quitting simply from the abuse of new bosses that had no managerial training. Not everyone suffered. Some people thrived with the changes, although I don’t think that is something they should be proud of considering what that shows about their character. About 20 people, myself included, have either resigned or were fired in a staff that was almost 30 strong when I first began working with the association in 2016.

Towards the end of last year, I was beginning to feel my depression and anxiety reach levels they hadn’t since I left a prior non-profit where I worked directly for a micro-manager that delighted in emotionally and mentally abusing me to “help me grow into a better version of myself.” I needed to get out and I did.

Forcing this kind of change in my life after spending my savings and going back into debt to help my mom while she recovered from surgery probably doesn’t seem like the best idea financially, and in some ways I wish I was strong enough to have lasted a bit longer. But I made a promise to myself in 21016 to be safe, and that office was not safe. There is nothing safe about a CEO who makes jokes about tanning so much she almost reaches the complexion of one of her staff. It’s not safe when during an staff meeting about improving organizational culture, a vice president suggests using the Heritage Foundation, a group focused on spreading a message of hate and white supremacy, as an example of “good mentor” for the association moving forward. There is no safety when higher level coworkers treat managers as gophers for their own work simply because they are younger after the CEO promises equity because the distinction between senior and junior staff is ridiculous and unfair.

So, coming into the new year, I have a one month part time contract as a remote social media consultant for a non-profit organization that works with Native Americans out West, and time to dedicate to change.

This year I am going to go for my dreams. I love writing, so I will grow myself as a freelance writer. I love social media, so I will consult with organizations who need assistance with content creation, promotion, and more on social media platforms. My focus, my goal, is to do the things I love. To work on healing, saving, and being the me I have dreamed about but never really spent the time developing. 2019 is the year I change.

Saying No For The Right Reasons

If there is one thing people notice fairly quickly while getting to know me, my mom is an important part of my life. She is the head of my tiny immediate family, and will soon be a very important matriarch in my extended family (technically, she already is but that’s another tale). Family drilled its importance into my head from a very early age, usually to my own detriment although I know that wasn’t the intention. But good intentions sometimes lead to bad decisions, and I freely admit I made bad decisions thinking about how it would help my family without thinking about how it would hurt me.

2017 has been and continues to be a crazy year globally, nationally, and locally. In my own personal life, it has been a year of learning and growth. After two weeks of practicing the art of saying no, the audience being my own self-control and impulse to buy the newest fountain pen or shimmering ink to match said pen, I am increasing my goal of saying no and putting a goal and purpose to it.

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